USING GENDER LABELS AND PRONOUNS WITH OTHERS

Level 1: With People You're Communicating With

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Don't assume or impose labels or pronouns on others without their permission (if you do have assumptions, keep them to yourself—don't let them know).

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Don't ask others about their labels and pronouns unless truly necessary. Some people may not feel safe enough to disclose their labels and pronouns to you if you're not close enough.

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Use names when interacting with strangers. Some gender-diverse individuals may wish to be called by a name different from the one on their identification documents—you should respect and use that name (APA, 2019).

 

Use gender-neutral language and pronouns, especially in the workplace (APA, 2025). People whose gender identity falls outside the binary system but who must work in environments using gender-specific language are likely to feel less motivated, find it harder to connect with colleagues and their work (Stout & Dasgupta, 2011).

 

Examples of gender-neutral language:

• Instead of calling someone "Mr./Ms. Teacher" => use "Teacher"

• Instead of "Fathers and Mothers Association" => use "Parents Association"

 

Examples of gender-neutral pronoun pairs (Vietnamese context):

• For older people: they call you "mình" - you call them "em"; they call you "bác" - you call them "cháu"

• For peers: they call you "cậu/bạn/bồ/đằng ấy" - you call yourself "tớ/mình/tôi"

• For younger people: they call you "em" - you call yourself "mình/[name]"

 

If necessary, ask about someone's pronouns politely and privately, not in front of a crowd. Ask "What pronouns do you use?" rather than "What pronouns do you prefer?"—pronouns and gender labels are not preferences or choices (APA, 2023).

 

Don't judge or pressure others when they don't want to disclose their gender labels to you. Gender labels are personal information that each person has full rights to control.
 

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Level 2: Within Communication Contexts

Pronouns and gender labels can change depending on communication context. Therefore, questions about pronouns should be asked in different contexts and with different communication partners.

Example: Some gay cisgender men use the pronoun "anh" (masculine) when communicating with colleagues but may want their close friends to call them "bà" (feminine). If close friends call them "anh," they might feel distant; conversely, if strangers call them "bà," they'll feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 

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Level 3: Beyond the Communication Context

Don't disclose someone's pronouns and gender labels to a third party without their permission. Once again, gender labels are personal information that each person has full rights to control.

Don't limit people to certain pronouns and gender labels. Pronouns and gender labels can absolutely change over time. Therefore, if you haven't spoken with an acquaintance for a while, you should definitely ask whether they're still using the same pronouns and labels. If a lesbian friend suddenly has a male partner, don't rush to judge—ask more questions to understand each other better.

 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

 

Once you choose a gender label, can it be changed?

YES. We define ourselves by labels; labels don't define us. Gender labels are simply a tool to help each person easily express themselves to others, giving each individual a sense of belonging to a particular community. Once we feel that a label no longer adequately fulfills its functions, we can absolutely change it.

 

Why do we need gender labels? Isn't the sex on the birth certificate enough?

Each person's feelings are most important. If you feel that the sex on your birth certificate is sufficient to describe your gender, you don't need to explore the different aspects of gender more deeply or learn about other gender labels. Gender labels are simply a tool for people to expand their understanding of themselves and the world, express their identity more easily, and feel they belong to a specific community.

 

Is it okay to lie about or hide one's gender label?

YES. Gender labels speak to part of our identity, and identity belongs to us. Therefore, just as people need to keep their National ID cards secure, we also have the right to keep our gender labels private, with no obligation to disclose them to others when we don't feel comfortable.

 

Because gender labels and pronouns are one of the ways to express one's identity, and everyone wants to live authentically, many people think that once they've determined their pronouns and labels, there's no need to hide them. In reality, many people may choose not to mention, or even lie about, their gender labels or pronouns, especially when they're uncommon, to be more comfortable in communication and avoid unnecessary questions and inconveniences. This doesn't mean that person is no longer being themselves, but rather shows that they prioritize other things over self-expression. Once that person feels more comfortable with their conversation partner and the context, they may choose to share their pronouns and labels, hoping the other person will show respect by using them.

 

 

Summary

In conclusion, labels and pronouns are one of the ways each of us defines ourselves, thereby feeling more connected to community. Using labels and pronouns appropriate to oneself and others is how we show respect, acknowledge each person's right to self-determination and diversity, while connecting with each other most authentically.